Running From My Life

The Big One February 6, 2009

You Could Scare Your Girlfriend With This!

Just the name should alone, should have been a warning, “The Big One”. It is 7 inches long and a staggering 56 ring gage. Really but why would I expect a cigar (that is so comically large it could be used by anti-tobacco fascists to beat smokers to death) to be anything less than a big pile of smoldering cow dung.

There is not a self-respecting cigar maker, outside of the USA, that would have the gall to make this cigar. Given it had an after taste of burning latex and KY jelly, I can only assume this black monster was actually made by a dildo manufacturing company trying to diversify.

Besides the asinine name, it looked good .It had dark oily wrapper and smooth construction. I had high hopes when I went to light it. It did not so much as light, but it took four matches to get it to start melting like plastic. It smelled like, what I imagine the Dow chemical plant explosion in India, smelled like in the 80s.

I was banished from Dave’s car for smoking the putrid phallic anomaly that made the eyes water and children cry.

A ragged homeless man came by looking for change and cigarettes. I gave him 50 cents and asked him to dispose of this toxic log safely. I guess I should feel guilty for letting the most vulnerable in society smoke this to feed there addiction but I doubt it is any worse for him than the Lysol and Shoe polish cocktail that he had for breakfast.

I just hope he doesn’t use it to rob a liquor store or rape innocent school girls.